A handy guide for the cartographically confounded:

For the pre-pandemic frequent traveler who changed countries more often than the sanitarily disinclined change socks, it was easy to become disoriented and momentarily forget his/her whereabouts. As the world begins vaccinating itself, this condition might be poised for a comeback. Since we at the Global Jigsaw pride ourselves in being ahead of the curve, here is a handy guide to orient or occident yourselves in case of geographical aporia:

Pedestrians at traffic lights:  

If you happen to find yourself in a country and are not quite sure which one it is, take a look at how pedestrians behave at traffic lights.

Is the red-yellow-and-green treated like a high priest, with reverence? Are those who wait at the lights straight backed and focused on the moment when the red changes to green? Do they remain standing rigidly on the pavement if the signal is red, even when there is absolutely no traffic on the road? If yes, you are in Germany or Japan.

Alternatively, do they jiggle and shift their weight with visible impatience while waiting to cross? Do they look as if torn between the desire of their bodies to propel themselves forward and their brains that are simultaneously reigning them in? Do they begin to stride across the road at the first sign of traffic slowing down, even when the light remains unchanged? If yes, you are likely in Spain – a country in the schizophrenic throes of negotiating its atavistic anarchical bent with the civilizing dictates of modern Europe.

Are traffic lights basically invisible to everyone, human and bovine? If yes, you are in India.

Canine conduct

Does taking a dog out for a walk involve putting said hound into a baby buggy and pushing it about? Do the local pooches tend to be dressed up in cutesy bows and monogrammed sweaters? If yes, you’re in Tokyo, the land of limitless canine humiliation.

Are the dogs in this country large, shaggy, outdoorsy and well mannered? Do they accompany their owners for a pint at the pub, follow commands to sit and generally keep calm and carry on? If yes, you are in the U.K. 

Are the dogs of this land called Tommy or Tiger? Are they vegetarian and/or are more likely to have encountered an extra terrestrial than a dog trainer? Si? You happen to be in India.

And finally, is there any dog on the dinner menu? If so, you are in, well, I’ll leave that one to you to divine.

Veni Vidi Vino:

Does an evening out consist of a few pints followed by a punch up because, “what chyoo looking at mate?” It's England.

Is this a country where no official banquet is complete until the alpha male host has ensured you have thrown up after being forced to ingest repeated shots of distilled fermented sorghum reminiscent of nail varnish? China.

Are you someplace that has things called dry days? Welcome to India.

Do you find yourself drinking wine at lunch? Hola, España.

Does alcohol transform the average Suzuki san in this country from inscrutable salaryman to raucous public exhibitionist in as long as it takes to say kanpai? Konichiwa.

Nice to meet you:

Do perfect strangers inquire about your issue? And after you finally figure out that they are asking about the number of children you have, do they insist on taking you to their homes to eat samosas? Accha, you are in Incredible India

In the month of June, do people you have just met ask you if, “you are fast?” Iya? Worry not, they aren’t impugning your morals. You just happen to be in Indonesia during Ramadan, talking to someone with grammatically subpar English.

Has the taxi driver taking you into the city from the airport casually queried you about your monthly salary? It’s the People’s Republic of China

Is your newly minted acquaintance staring at their shoes and babbling about the weather. You are in England, again.

Do perfect strangers kiss you twice before even telling you their names? Estas en Espana.

Chi fan le ma?

Does lunch in the country you have forgotten the name of, happen somewhere between 11:30 am and 1:00pm? If yes, you’re probably in Japan or China.

Are you expected to arrive an hour after the time actually mentioned on your meal invitation? Yes? Get ready to start dancing around trees (but don’t forget to wear your pollution masks while undertaking any cardiovascular activities). You are in India.

Does lunch stretch from 3:00pm to infinity? Spain.

Is lunch synonymous with a sandwich at the desk?  Howdy, you’ve made it to the United States. Welcome to the American dream.

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We are aware at the Global Jigsaw that our guide might be less than comprehensive so do please share any further tips you might have for the disoriented. The comments section is open for your suggestions. And please don’t forget to share this piece should you consider it worthy. Until next week.